Where are all the mirrors?

While taking a break from work, my mind wanders to the Kenny Chesney concert I attended last night. The air was the perfect combination of hot and sticky, just enough to make my hair curl at the ends, the breathtaking aroma of beer and toke peppered the atmosphere and Kenny played all my favorites, so much so that my voice is a little scratchy even this afternoon. All in all, I was set up for a perfect evening in Virginia Beach.

While waiting for the performers to hit the stage, I partook in one of life's most precious pastimes, people watching. What I saw frightened me so much that I woke up this morning in a cold sweat, thinking that every mirror on the entire peninsula had been stolen. What else explains the outfits people walked out of the house in last night?

There, of course, were your a-typical underage drunken teenagers, complete with skin tight jorts, with just enough fraying to make them look like Freddie Krugar was their seamstress. This look is complete of course, with the bikini top (if we're lucky) and cut up white tee shirt, manuvered just enough, so that when tied properly every inch of skin beyond the x-rated is visible. This look is not complete without the ever classic flashing plastic lei, or equally as trashed boyfriend, who doesn't seem to own any clothing beyond his tattered boxers and shorts, placed midway down his butt.

These teenagers eventually morph into classier versions of themselves, with slightly longer shorts, Marboro imprinted skin, and the ever flattering halter top, with saggy pointy "accessories," strategically placed just low enough to emphasize the Walmart belly ring, complete with green tinted and stretch mark ridden skin. The boyfriends have matured as well, choosing to display the keg that has conveniently attached itself to the top of the same shorts they were wearing ten years before, the only difference being the placement... about ten inches below the original waistline.

Despite my affection for the above mentioned looks, which could be found widespread throughout the ampetheater, from the bathroom to the stage, and most certainly the Budweiser stand, there were a top three of the evening.
3. The girl to the left of us last night was wearing... brown super short shorts, complete with a black tank top. Yes, Stacy and Clinton say brown and black together are okay... I DO NOT. But this was not my favorite part. In red and black, about halfway down her calf, this girl had... TNT tattooed. Yes, that is correct. TNT. Like the explosive. Sadly for her, unlike the rest of the looks thus mentioned, that tattoo will be much harder to get rid of.
2. The couple (although I must admit, these two were not the only ones) wearing matching UT jerseys, imprinted with Chesney on the back. To complete this lovely outfit, matching "mom" jorts and white tennis shoes, with cuffed white socks. These people did not look like a married couple, they looked like waaayyy oversized twins, dressed by mom and dad for their very first Vols game. Absurd.
1. My favorite look of the night, would have to be the tube top, looking best on women weighing at least 250 pounds, with breasts down to their bellies, and held up only with the excessive roll produced by, "painted on," jeans. This look can be completed with ankle compromising wedges, perfect for treking the grassy knoll.

This leaves me with one plea... whoever stole the mirrors and the taste of these people. Please RETURN asap. Why should I be punished for your greed?